Just Go With It

So I had an entire blog all wrote up, and then I changed my mind. I am not sure people are ready yet for those thoughts of mine. So I will save that for a later date. Instead I will talk about some feelings that I have been going through lately. As some of you know (if you read my last post) I have been dealing with weight issues. And I am still overcoming those now (it's a long process). However there are a bunch of other emotions I have had lately. And there is no better place to start than at the very beginning. 

Okay not the very beginning of my life, because that is just too far. But to the start of more recent emotions. I have never been the child who was home sick. Every since I remember I was the child finding every possible place to be other than home. I have always been the person who seeks something different and new. In college I barely ever went home for any vacations. For example for Easter I would go home with my roommates in college, and than one summer I stayed at my school and worked. So as you can see, I am not one to be a stay at home body. So when I got this opportunity to move all the way down to Florida, you can bet I took it. Now I have been here for almost a year, and I can finally admit home sickness is finally kicking in. 

Now it is time to explain these feelings I am having. It is a type of emptiness, a sadness, a hole somewhere in my heart. And I think this all steamed when my Nonna recently passed away. I felt terrible because I didn't see her one last time before she died. And my biggest fear is she forgot who I was when she passed (she was diagnosed with alzheimer's). The fact that I am SO far away from my family almost tears me apart on a daily basis. I miss feeling cared for and being loved. And that is really a selfish way to put it, because although there may be few, there are some people here who do love me. But I miss that family love, you know the kind that no matter WHAT happens they are always going to feel the same way about you. That's the kind of love I want again. And that is one reason why this trip I am planning home is just so important to me. I need to see these people who lift me up. When I start feeling down I need them to remind me that I can do anything I dream of. 

Aside from home sickness I have been feeling blah. And literally that is the only way I can describe it. Nothing has been going my way. My life is not what I planned it to be at this time. And that is my problem. I need to learn that life is a big jumble mess, and ya gotta just go with it. So that's what my next step to clarity is. Just going with it. If I miss my family, then I am gonna hop on a plane and see them. If I am sick of my job, I am going to find a new one. If I feel I am drowning, I am gonna go out and do something CRAZY. I can't keep letting my emotions bring me down, there is so much more beauty in life that i let get hidden by these deep dark emotions. And it's not okay anymore. The more I write, the more I let myself open up, and the more I begin to see what my true problems really are. I will continue to write and hopefully soon I will find all the answers I have been looking for in myself.

I hope you all keep finding your clarity. Until next time. 

XOXO Katlin