Change of Seasons

It is almost November. And I really can't believe how fast time has been passing by me. It is already winter. Last time I checked it was still summer. But considering I do live in Florida it still basically is summer to me, haha. With this change in season I've noticed a change in me. I am ready for new adventures. As some of you may know I had an interview for a new job last week. I am patiently awaiting for a response, and it has got me all nervous. And I realized I am so nervous about it because I NEED some change right now. I am stuck in a rut, and I am just living everyday like the last. And I don't want to do that anymore. I need some new life experiences. 

If I get this job I think I will be much happier. It will create new opportunities of meeting new people, and just experiencing something different. Get me out of my same routine. I am really crossing my fingers and I hope you will too for me! Something else changing in my life is that I have decided to help my friend with a project she has been working on for awhile now. It is called "Sparrow in the Thorns". You can check out the Facebook page for it:  https://www.facebook.com/sparrowinthethorns OR Here is a link to the website: http://www.sparrowinthethorns.com/. Basically it is a place to post your stories, your struggles, and your triumphs. It's a place to go when you need someone to listen and have no one to turn too. It's a really great thing she has going on. It has given me a lot of inspiration in my writing again. And I even plan on helping her make a promotional video for it! And that really makes me happy, because I haven't been able to record, edit, and produce a video since college. And I would really like to get back into the swing of things. 

Since my last blog I think I have gotten a bit better. My situation in which I was writing about last time hasn't really gotten any better. But I have learned how to cope with it better. Instead I occupy myself with all these new projects. I am trying to keep myself busy, because then I won't be as sad. I know I can't keep myself busy forever, and I know at some point things will have to change... but for right now I am dealing with what I have and I feel a lot better than I did last week. And that's all I can ask for. Music is still one of the things keeping me going, and my OBSESSION with TV shows lately. I have gone through complete seasons of multiple television series... It's safe to say I have a problem. But I enjoy watching them because I feel like I am apart of it, like what they are going through I am going through. And I guess that's also why I like writing so much. 

I think this season is going to be full of changes for me. In my career, in my social life, just in general. And I am looking forward to it. Maybe I am finally starting to see some clarity. Sometimes I just have to get knocked down pretty hard before I start to see the good things. Feeling as bad as I did last week really motivated me to get back to what I love. Get back to making videos, get back to writing, get back to making YOURSELF happy. Because we can't rely on others to do that for us. This is MY life and I won't let people keep me from doing what I love. Go out and find your clarity. Until next time. 

XOXO, 
Katlin 

S.O.S

I want to start my post by warning everyone that this isn't going to be a very happy read. Right now I have seem to lost all happiness. The way I feel right now... I haven't felt this bad in a while. Somehow my life turned in a whirlwind of chaos. And I seem to have no control over any of it.

So this is my cry for help. If my life continues the way it is going right now, then I know that I will never be a happy person. And happiness is all I want. I have been listening to A LOT of music lately. When I am this down in the dumps music is all that keeps me going. There is nothing better than finding a song that's lyrics just HIT you like a bus. I am that person who will put a song on repeat until I know all the words and can scream the lyrics at the top of my lungs. Music makes me happy, so I need to keep listening. If you are interested in some songs that I have been listening to here is a list:

Let Me Go- Avril Lavinge
Let Her Go- The Passengers
We Were Us- Keith Urban and Miranda Lambert
If I'm Being Honest - Tyler Ward
S.O.S. - Tyler Ward

Now the reasons for my unhappiness? Well there is a lot and I am not going to get into specific details here. But I will let you know that I have been feeling completely alone lately. Loneliness, I think, is one of the worst feelings to have. Because it will drive you into a state of depression. Now I am not new to depression, I have dealt with depression since I was in high school. But I thought that once I had moved down south that I had gotten a hold of my depression. I thought I would no longer have to go back to that feeling. But things change, and life happens.

If there is one thing I have learned in my life, it is that we can't depend on others to create our happiness. No matter how much we long for that. Because in the end people are always going to let us down. It is human nature for people to let us down. And yes it sucks, but that is life. There is nothing we can do but move forward from it. In the midst of all this sadness I am experiencing, I do have a few lights at the end of the tunnel...

My best friend down here Sammi. She literally is one of the only people who gets me through each and everyday. Just texting her, or gliding her, it helps. Having someone there for you when it seems everyone else just thrown you under the bus, is definitely something to be happy for. It doesn't seem to matter what we are doing, we help each other forget about our own problems and just focus on having some fun. Because lets face it, in this life if you don't let yourself have some fun you will be consumed by monotony.

Another glimpse of hope is that I had a job interview today. I am hoping that switching my career is going to make me a little happier. I need some change, because right now my days are the same and they just seem to be passing by me faster than I can keep up. I don't want to look back on my life and not be pleased with the choices I made.

All I want is for this loneliness feeling to go away. I wish I could change the way people think, and I wish for ONCE I could prove to someone that I am here no matter what, and that giving up on situations isn't what you do. You have to keep fighting, no matter how terrible I feel right now, I will keep fighting. Because I know this is just one big bump (maybe mountain) in the road. But once I make it over, things will be good again. If everyone just gave up when things got tough we wouldn't have doctors, or police officers, or even a president. I am not one for giving up. But I can say right now I have been knocked down pretty hard, and I have a lot of bruises. But a least amid all of this chaos, I haven't lost myself. I may have yet to find clarity in the situations in my life right now, but I still know who I am. And that's all that matters.

If you are feeling the way I am, don't give up. Never give up on what you want most. Things will get better, for you, and for me. We just have to hold on. I hope you all can find your clarity. Until next time....

XOXO
Katlin

Just Go With It

So I had an entire blog all wrote up, and then I changed my mind. I am not sure people are ready yet for those thoughts of mine. So I will save that for a later date. Instead I will talk about some feelings that I have been going through lately. As some of you know (if you read my last post) I have been dealing with weight issues. And I am still overcoming those now (it's a long process). However there are a bunch of other emotions I have had lately. And there is no better place to start than at the very beginning. 

Okay not the very beginning of my life, because that is just too far. But to the start of more recent emotions. I have never been the child who was home sick. Every since I remember I was the child finding every possible place to be other than home. I have always been the person who seeks something different and new. In college I barely ever went home for any vacations. For example for Easter I would go home with my roommates in college, and than one summer I stayed at my school and worked. So as you can see, I am not one to be a stay at home body. So when I got this opportunity to move all the way down to Florida, you can bet I took it. Now I have been here for almost a year, and I can finally admit home sickness is finally kicking in. 

Now it is time to explain these feelings I am having. It is a type of emptiness, a sadness, a hole somewhere in my heart. And I think this all steamed when my Nonna recently passed away. I felt terrible because I didn't see her one last time before she died. And my biggest fear is she forgot who I was when she passed (she was diagnosed with alzheimer's). The fact that I am SO far away from my family almost tears me apart on a daily basis. I miss feeling cared for and being loved. And that is really a selfish way to put it, because although there may be few, there are some people here who do love me. But I miss that family love, you know the kind that no matter WHAT happens they are always going to feel the same way about you. That's the kind of love I want again. And that is one reason why this trip I am planning home is just so important to me. I need to see these people who lift me up. When I start feeling down I need them to remind me that I can do anything I dream of. 

Aside from home sickness I have been feeling blah. And literally that is the only way I can describe it. Nothing has been going my way. My life is not what I planned it to be at this time. And that is my problem. I need to learn that life is a big jumble mess, and ya gotta just go with it. So that's what my next step to clarity is. Just going with it. If I miss my family, then I am gonna hop on a plane and see them. If I am sick of my job, I am going to find a new one. If I feel I am drowning, I am gonna go out and do something CRAZY. I can't keep letting my emotions bring me down, there is so much more beauty in life that i let get hidden by these deep dark emotions. And it's not okay anymore. The more I write, the more I let myself open up, and the more I begin to see what my true problems really are. I will continue to write and hopefully soon I will find all the answers I have been looking for in myself.

I hope you all keep finding your clarity. Until next time. 

XOXO Katlin 

Weight Loss Clarity

Lately I have been going through a roller coaster of emotions in my life. And the best way I think that I can get through this is by writing. And that's the reason why I have decided to start this blog. Now why name it "From Chaos to Clarity" you may ask? Well there are loads of reasons why, but the simplest is that among all the chaos in my life I am hoping to find some clarity. And this blog is the first step on my journey to clarity. 

I have been on a loosing weight kick lately. A lot of people seem to be worried about me, but there is nothing to be concerned about. I know when enough is enough. The weight that I have lost has given me a boost of confidence that I was lacking hard core. I have never received so many compliments in my life than right now. And I have never been smaller than I am right now. I know however I need to be a bit more healthy about my ways of weight loss. One meal a day really isn't the best way to go about this. So I am working on eating smaller meals multiple times a day. That way I am not worrying so many people. Because really that's the last thing I want to do. 

Ever since I can remember I have had problems with my weight. I really think it goes back to my high school days, with my insecurities of not being good enough. I never felt pretty, or skinny, or worth while in high school. And then after my first relationship ended with being left for the next best thing, I never felt like I would be good enough. And even today, because of that experience, I deal with self image issues. I have always had a problem with binge eating. I would eat a lot if I was depressed, or eat a lot when I was really happy depending on what situation I was going through at the time. And then something else would happen in my life that would depress me and it would make me not want to eat at all. So my weight has always fluctuated. And I really wish I could get a handle on it. 

Now that I have reached the weight that I think is perfect for my body, I hope to take control of it. I no longer want my emotions to affect my eating habits. When I look in the mirror now I like what I see, I can smile at myself, a genuine smile. Never before in my life have I been able to do this. I guess this is the start to clarity. 

I hope to keep up with this blog (I kind of failed to do so with my last one). And I hope other people who are going through the same things, can read this and not feel so alone. I am not writing this so I can get pity or attention from people. I am doing this because without taking the time to find clarity I will get lost in the chaos. 

Until next time, I hope you all find your clarity<3

XOXO Katlin